RESOLVED, that lesbians have the right to create and maintain lesbian-only spaces.
How do we build lesbian community when in many places we are effectively prevented from assembling without the presence of men? Is it even possible? The answer is yes, it is possible. Here’s how to get started.
Reaching out to local lesbians and creating in-person meetings is key. Facebook is a free option; Meetup is a paid platform, but made for the specific purpose of forming groups and meeting in person. Create a Facebook and/or Meetup group with a local focus. For example, “Lesbians of the [your telephone area code, your town, city, etc.].”
Why in-person? An in-person lesbian community has the potential to be life-changing, especially for lesbians who lack other substantial support personally or as a lesbian in particular.
The ideas in this article are based on the experiences of Lesbian Caucus member Mary Ellen Kelleher, who has been creating and hosting lesbian events and creating communities since 2012. Her move to a new city meant the loss of an established lesbian community and challenges in finding community in a new town. Many lesbians share online that they are lonely for an in-person connection with other lesbians but don’t know how to create the community they’re craving. Despite currently adverse conditions, lesbians still have the power to create and build our own in-person communities. While it only takes one lesbian to get the ball rolling, the group should be hosted by two lesbians. This ensures the group’s stability in the event one host becomes unavailable.
If you’re using Facebook, make the group private. Be sure that the group is private but searchable. A searchable group means that women looking for community will see the group in their search results. A non-searchable group can only be joined by invitation, which makes it more secure but very difficult to grow. You will need criteria for membership and creating a private group, with questions to be answered by women requesting membership. Gatekeeping is essential here because you will have requests from men claiming to be lesbians. Requiring a front facing photo to be visible on her profile provides additional safety in knowing who will be attending events.
Facebook allows three questions to be asked of potential members to private groups. An example of questions you might ask are: 1. Are you a woman? 2. Are you a lesbian? 3. Do you live close enough to [your town/city] to easily participate in in-person events? As the creator of a private group, you will have access to the profiles of potential members and be able to see any Facebook sanctions against the person. This is your chance to confirm the information provided by the prospective member.
Review profiles with a critical eye. Since this is your local community, does the applicant have many known lesbian friends? Are there photos of her with men, or information about relationships that will help you determine whether she is a lesbian? Does the applicant have many friends who are men claiming to be women? A careful review will help you make your decision on whether she should be welcomed into the group. Allow the responses to be narratives (i.e., open-ended responses) and not checkboxes/multiple choice. Asking “Are you a lesbian” results in responses including “I’m bi,” “I’m pan,” etc. This information would not become known through a checkbox response.
When rejecting membership requests you may choose to simply decline without comment; or you could provide a reason. For example, “Thank you for your interest, your request has been declined as this is a private lesbian group.” Only reinforce that this is a private lesbian group. If persons do not answer the questions, they can be declined for that reason, “Thank you for your interest, your request to join has been declined for failure to answer the required questions.”
How to reach lesbians?
There are many lesbian pages on Facebook, some targeted to specific sites, towns, or states; others are national or international. You can start with these pages and share information about your group. “There’s a new in-person lesbian social group in XYZ Town. Look for “XYZ Lesbians” on Facebook.” If you receive questions asking whether men are welcome in the group, you may choose to ignore the question, or restate, “This is a private lesbian group.” It’s probably best not to elaborate or engage in discussion or arguments. Whether they admit it or not, everyone knows what a lesbian is, while “private” helps you justify excluding anyone, including some lesbians, for any or no reason. Be prepared for bullying from “queer” pages. It’s important that you advertise your group on these pages as there will be lesbians in these groups who are looking for the group you have started, looking for community; but in the absence of an exclusively lesbian social group, have settled for what they can get.
First group events
Initial events around a meal are best for fostering friendships. Meal-centered events should be limited to 12 at most, with groups 8-10 being optimal. The group leader should host a meal event at a restaurant she is familiar with – women’s safety and comfort is key. Post in your event details the GPS address of the event, and accessibility information: How many stairs into the building? Is there an elevator? Is it on a public transportation line? Is there parking nearby? Is there a cost for parking? Also include a link to the venue/menu and, most importantly, when making reservations, ask the restaurant if it is willing to write separate checks for 10-12 guests. Some will, some won’t. Separate checks are important because many lesbians live on fixed incomes, and knowing that what they order is what they’ll pay for is key to their willingness to participate. This also allows you to share in the event details a comment like, “Please do not let a tight budget keep you from socializing with your lesbian community. Order a cup of soup, a coffee, or salad, but come to share in the community!”
Hosting the group
The host should arrive at least 30 minutes before the announced start time. This gives the host the time to ensure that the venue is as it should be. It is important too, that members who arrive a few minutes early are greeted by a host. It is important for women to be able to identify the host. If you are hosting the events, create a way for lesbians to recognize you. Some examples are, “When you arrive, look for the lesbian in the hat, she’ll greet you and introduce you.” Or “Our lesbian host will greet you at the door in a bright red sweater!” It is hard for many women to walk into a new space to meet a new group, and knowing whom to look for is helpful.
The host of the events should be outgoing and personable. The effort to make every lesbian feel welcome and important to the group will solidify the group and help it grow. Try to find out something about every new member. Share an interesting comment about women when making introductions. This helps to create talking points which will build friendships. “Hi Emily, come meet Rebecca, you’re both motorcycle enthusiasts. I bet you’ll have a lot to talk about!”
Some groups have found that having one set event per month (e.g., a “supper club” at the same restaurant on the last Wednesday of the month) has resulted in a familiarity that promotes companionship.
Diverse events should be created each month. Some free or inexpensive events, a walk in a local cemetery or neighborhood, a free community concert, and other events that range from tubing down a local river in the summer, a board game night at a local eatery that welcomes that activity, attending a local college sporting event, a barbeque at a local recreation site, or a brunch at a member’s home, etc. Be sure to create a mix of events for varied interests, but always have a balance of active events and more sedentary events that foster conversation.
The goal of the group is to create lesbian community and provide an avenue for lesbians to build a friendship and support network. You will know you’re successful when you hear that members have gotten together outside of a formal group meeting to go to a movie, or concert, or out to brunch together. And, while intimate relationships may form, it is important to remember that these are not primarily dating groups, but rather are intended to create local lesbian communities. Long-lasting friendships are the relationships that will build a dependable lesbian community.
Challenges
There will be challenges. Hosting small group events means that not every woman who wants to attend a certain event will be able to. Having a waiting list is important, and that requires that women whose plans change notify the hosts so that another woman can take her place. Be clear about expectations, and when women are no show/no call to an event, reach out to them personally. “Hello! You reserved a spot for the XYZ Event but didn’t attend. That meant a woman who could have attended in your place wasn’t able to. Please let us know when you reserve but are then unable to attend.”
Some women will post events that are to their personal benefit, or have nothing to do with the group. Group members could become confused if a non-hosted event is posted. Those events should be removed. Some members may need to be placed on an administrator-approved posting protocol.
Some women will be loud! It is important that the environment is pleasant for all. The host must become comfortable in redirecting. “Our voices really carry in this space, could you please speak a little more quietly Kristin?”
There will be women who monopolize the conversation and will need redirection. Don’t hesitate to make suggestions and redirect the group so that everyone feels appreciated for attending. “You have some great ideas/stories/experiences Jessica. Ashey, didn’t you mention that you ….”
Some women will be upset that a man isn’t allowed to join the group. The response “This is a private lesbian group” is enough. There is no need to elaborate.
Questions? Reach out to [email protected]
The WDI USA Lesbian Caucus
Lauren Levey, coordinator
Mary Ellen Kelleher
Katherine Kinney
Brandi Kochan
A. Schams
