Conventional wisdom (i.e., patriarchy) says that opposites attract. It’s just natural. As the WDI USA Lesbian Caucus has previously noted:
…patriarchal ideology states that heterosexuality for women is innate, as is a love not only for men, but for subordination itself (i.e., femininity).
This old husbands’ tale sets the stage for sexual and romantic couplings based on a disparity in power – masculine/feminine, protector/protected, provider/homemaker, hunter/prey, active/passive, beater/beaten, sadist/masochist, he-who-is-to-be-obeyed/she-who-obeys. One is not supposed to notice that although the desirability of such couplings is framed as natural and innate, “opposites-attract” is not only enforced by families, but also aggressively marketed – through literature, movies, advertising (“sex sells”), and most profoundly, through the ubiquitous online pornography that drives all other marketing, and is instantly available to anyone with access to a smartphone.
Lesbians exist in patriarchy and can be as easily influenced by its messaging as anyone else, despite having access to an outsider’s perspective, and despite the fact that presenting as a “butch” lesbian does not improve one’s status in patriarchal society, where every woman’s hierarchical status hinges on the man that she is attached to.
Lesbian couples are bombarded with derisive sneers whose content boils down to “Which one of you beauties (/s) is the man?” When not being treated to patriarchal humor, lesbians are widely ignored or actively erased (as “gender identity” tends to do, for instance); and treated as a category of porn that includes heterosexual men not only as viewers/consumers, but as participants having a lesbian “gender identity.”
Given this landscape, it should not be surprising that many lesbians try to conform strictly to the power-based, patriarchal model, no matter how poorly it fits them personally, no matter how much it compromises the quality of their sexual activities, and no matter how much it supports the continued oppression of all lesbians. But as radical feminists, we’re going to try here to deconstruct the “opposites-attract” doctrine and other associated patriarchal influences within lesbian culture.
Where sex between two women is inherently symmetrical and potentially egalitarian, why would a woman attracted exclusively to other women need to create the appearance of a power difference in order to be turned on, if not because she is complying with the harmful patriarchal doctrine of “opposites attract”? Perhaps more importantly, can sex that is based on similarity, symmetry, and equality be as attractive and as satisfying as sex that is based on opposites? Might the former actually be more attractive, more authentic, more creative and experimental, more satisfying, and more conducive to intimacy? Could the normalization of egalitarian couplings have the potential to transform not only lesbian relationships but lesbian culture? Straight relationships and culture? To undermine patriarchy itself?
Presently, it appears that pornography shapes and drives sexual behaviors. But online pornography of the genre designated “lesbian” does not even come close to the realities of lesbian sex. Here are some of them:
- Porn targets a male audience. Women can watch, but the aim is to appeal to men and boys. Consequently, “lesbian” porn is carefully crafted to avoid having men and boys feel either unnecessary differences or inadequate. This explains why
- The women actors so often appear bored or disengaged
- The types of sexual activity shown never include tribadism1, which is arguably the most egalitarian and intimate sexual activity possible, as well as the most uniquely and exclusively lesbian. Men don’t want to think about it because it would undermine the myth that there’s no satisfying sex without a penis; and it would make them feel irrelevant (as they are, in lesbian sex).
- Pornography creates unrealistic expectations about orgasm. For example, pornography would lead you to believe that it’s possible for women to achieve orgasm very quickly. In fact, it takes the average woman 14 minutes to reach orgasm during partnered sex. While multiple orgasms are theoretically possible for most women, they aren’t as common as pornography and erotica would lead us to believe. In fact, many women find that orgasms after the first may be less pleasurable; difficult to obtain; unsatisfying; or even painful.
- Pornography creates unrealistic expectations about the expression of pleasure. Pornography is staged for the viewer. It’s like how actors wear stage makeup and use exaggerated voices and movements to convey meaning. Similarly, pornography exaggerates the depiction of pleasure. Moaning, whimpering, gasping, and the like do not happen nearly as often as pornography would lead you to believe — unless someone is being deliberately performative. In many cases, women in pornography become so dissociated that they forget when to stop performing, and continue moaning despite no physical contact occurring, displaying just how inauthentic the performance really is.
- In pornography, every touch, kiss, situation, etc., always leads to sex. That’s the point; there’s a direct line from arousal/situation to sex to orgasm. But in real life, the line between sex and not-sex is often not clear; there’s a spectrum with a large gray area. Within this gray area are a lot of sensual or even sexy behaviors that happen, but most often do not lead to sex.
- In pornography, you don’t have to make a decision about whether to have sex. As aforementioned, pornography always leads to sex and to orgasm (or at least, to male orgasm). In real life, with a partner, at some point you have to make a decision. Will you wait for the perfect opportunity to have completely unburdened (emotionally stable, not tired, freshly showered, and so on) sex – or will you forge ahead even though you only 90% want to? Do you have to confront your avoidance, or will doing so (re)traumatize you?
- Pornography is a simplified caricature of sex, with no emotional baggage. In real life, sex is one of the most emotional experiences we can have — and we don’t just mean that there are sappy feelings. Sex tends to bring up all sorts of feelings and challenges. You’re confronted with things like…Can you handle correcting a partner? Can you handle your partner being sad about the correction? Can you handle being corrected? Can you handle being uncomfortably aware of your partner’s past experiences? Your own? Can you handle things going differently than you imagined?
- Pornography suggests that women want vaginal intercourse. Actually, the reality is that most women generally need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – and many have no interest in, or derive little to no pleasure from, penetration at all.
- Pornography skips the foreplay. In real life, a lot of the length of sex is taken up with cuddling, kissing, sensual touching, and so on. Foreplay is essential to getting into the mood – especially for women, by building anticipation and making the process that much more enjoyable. The sex shown in pornography, with the foreplay taken out, is sterile and mechanical compared to the real thing.
- Pornography shows sex as one-sided rather than collaborative. Good sex is collaborative – you work together with someone in a rhythm and share an experience. But pornography doesn’t show that; mostly it shows man (subject) acting upon woman (object). Internalizing these messages isn’t healthy for viewers of either sex, and does not lead to good sex.
What is “good sex” for lesbians, then? We think it’s authentic, vulnerable, egalitarian, intimate, nonlinear, and joyfully inventive. We think it is not performative, defended, gendered, driven in a straight line to orgasm, or formulaic. Here’s what we mean:
Authentic: Each sexual partner is focused, in order of priority, on her own desires (as they change in the course of the sexual interaction), her partner’s desires, and the synergistic magic that can make its own demands, provided the partners allow it to. And that’s all. Nobody is trying to dominate or manipulate or perform a role. There are only two bodies and, with luck, a bit of magic.
Vulnerable: You might at some point want a type of contact, or a type of motion, that is new to you. Because it is untried, it could fail, or it could be awkward; or it could be awkward until you both make adjustments. Or you could want to do something that your partner might refuse. Any such scenario requires the courage to show your sexual desire, knowing that it could either fail, or be rejected – or be magical.
Egalitarian: All women are equipped with the same sexed bodies. Lesbians by definition are attracted to bodies that are sexually like their own. Small individual differences may be experienced as hot or not; but they are not innately the basis for a difference in power. Men’s tendency to be size queens really doesn’t translate to lesbians; there’s just no point. Lesbianism is all about symmetry because it is built into our exclusive attraction to other women.
Intimate: There are many ways for lesbians to have sex that are intimate. Here’s one example: There is no body part on either sex that has more nerve endings concentrated together than a clitoris. Women are capable of looking into each other’s faces at very close range during sex while their clitorises move against each other, either or both partners moving fast or slow, or not moving at all, as they wish, each paying close attention to both bodies and of course the other’s face.
Nonlinear: Orgasm is not expected at any particular time, or at all. You might both drift off to sleep at some point even without an orgasm. But also, if orgasm occurs, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the sexual activity (although it could). Simultaneous orgasm is not expected; on the other hand, if each partner stays attuned both to her own body and her partner’s body, and what they both want, and how much they both want it at every point in time, simultaneous orgasm could sometimes happen; but it is not even necessarily the best of “good lesbian sex.”
Joyfully inventive: Sex is always a roll of the dice; nothing is certain; but why not stack the deck in your favor? Where there’s no formula that must be followed, where nobody is designated the leader, where both partners are free to go after what they want unless one of them says no, where there’s no expectation of orgasm, where there’s no rush, and where the vulnerability of risk-taking is welcomed and admired – creativity happens naturally; and if you’re lucky, you’ve arranged a welcoming environment for magic to join you in bed, and possibly bring along joy.
Radical feminism 101 teaches that the personal is political, and that it’s best not to participate in one’s own oppression. If we want to make it easy for new lesbians to leave patriarchal households and come into our communities and cultures, it seems dysfunctional to duplicate power-based social interactions and gendered sexual practices. The latter also strikes us as limited and boring, whereas equality carries the potential for unlimited magic and joy. If we want a women’s revolution that attracts admirers and ultimately overthrows patriarchy, it seems to us that making liberty and equality the realities in our personal lives needs to be one of its cornerstones.
The WDI USA Lesbian Caucus
Lauren Levey, coordinator
KC Bianco
Mary Ellen Kelleher
Katherine Kinney
- Tribadism, or “tribbing,” means clitoris-to-clitoris contact, which can be accomplished in a variety of positions. It is a testament to the effectiveness of patriarchal marketing that many relatively inexperienced lesbians assume that it is physically impossible. ↩︎
